I swear I can hold nothing.
He's afraid to go out in normal public places with me, never knowing who is watching him.
He lives in a very private community and safe community, yet when we're in bed, he flinches when someone turns onto his street until he knows who it is or they go away.
I took him to a family event and he damn near had a panic attack at the sight of every fairly "hood" vehicle (you know, SUV's with oversized rims, candy painted foreign or old school cars) and questioned me about who drove each one.
When we're out and something even looks remotely out of place, I catch him patting his left ribcage or hip, checking for his gun.
My friend told me he can't see me go through heartache again.
I can't see me go through heartache because of a man again. This same friend told me that eventually, "they" always get caught. One way or the other. He believes iin justice and retribution. I can't say I blame him.
But I do wish for us to exist without fear.
I cannot live my life in constant fear. And that's what it is. It's not caution, it's not simply being aware of your surroundings, it is fear, plain and simple.
I may have to let him go and hurt now.
I may have to play pyschic hotline and predict the future, which is hard because what if I'm wrong?
What if I am right?
I might have to cut my losses.
I have to think of my safety.
Its hard.
Because I love him. In love? No. But do I love him? Yes. He's dear to me now. And I don't want to see anything happen to him.
But more than that, I don't want to see anything happen to me.
I might have to let him go.
Despite how I want to hold on.
2 comments:
Hummm... doesn't really sound like a good situation. *sigh*
And possibly one of the most difficult things i've ever had to learn was the process of letting go. Next to that was questioning should i let go or should i hold on? Its the balance do we dive in head first experiencing the rush of adrenilen and yet deal with possibility of slamming our head into the concrete floor of the pool? Either we do it all the way or we don't do it at all.... or another analogy is one so preciously coined by my father: Do we piss or get off the pot. Its a hard call...
i used to live by the philosphy to dive in head first and just deal with the consequences but getting older i am learning that we too can predict the weather... and its not that wise to run out in the rain without an umbrella or take a walk when unussually thick storm clouds are moving. In other words we must read the signs.
I was telling K the other day all my most profoundly dumb mistakes have began from the philosophy just live, dive in whole heartedly and deal with the pain later...(yeah didn't quite work out too well)
you know i am a metaphoric nut so i hope you follow me here lol...but through all this rhetorical mumbo jumbo i am basically saying I think you're doing the right thing and you're excercising some maturity...
we are not little girls anymore and life is real. ow long can our hearts break like branches and the pains feel "like an old man with high cholesterol". Its time to excercise wisdom...
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