Ice King.

I miss him tremendously.

I can't remember the last time I missed everything about someone so much.

I can't even think enough to form coherent thoughts to type this entry out.

He told me he loved me for the first time yesterday....on my voicemail.

I want to tell him I love him too...but to his face.

I should be angry that he's holding things against me that I can't control but instead I'm hurt.

Hurt that whatever he's been through, whatever someone did to him, doesn't allow him to realize that I'd never hurt him.Hurt because I've trusted him so much and he can't give me the same back.

I haven't gone a day without crying yet.

Something has to give. And I've been giving...I can't give until I break again. I just can't. He says he's hurting too, but I can't understand his pain. The whole situation just doesn't make sense and his fear of trust is extremely painful for me to deal with. I just want to be able to love him wholly. He has to let me in. I can't keep standing outside his door. I wish I could, but it hurts too much, especially knowing that his trust is in a prison of his own creation.


"And I know that loving you don't make no sense.."
"I've given until I break..."
"How can we grow when we've only begun?...."

~ "Ice King" - Res

Missing You..

I had no idea I felt/feel for him so deeply.

As soon as he extracted himself from my life, I felt the void.

The past two days have been hell. Full of tears, questioning and downright depression. I wasn't eating. I've been chainsmoking, drinking and sleeping. I've been an emotional wreck. Even people who barely know me commented on my zombie like state.

I can't shake him from my thoughts. I miss him tremendously. Everything that reminds me of him makes me cry.

I cried at the sight of a red car the other day. Yesterday I had to pull over to cry so I could complete my 20 minute drive home.

The first time I met him he told me he would not hurt me. He lied. He really lied.

I've lost myself. But im gaining me back.

I love him much more than I knew.

I haven't really had anything to say recently, so I haven't been blogging. But I figured I could write something to keep everyone informed of where I am now.

I'm trying to get my mind back right.

I've had a lot on my mind this year, lots of things I need to sort out within myself.

I'm taking steps to do that now, serious steps.

I'm on a vegetarian diet for a month, starting a week ago.

I'm working on quitting smoking. Only two in the past week.

I've been reading more, thinking more.

I've been reconsidering the people in my life, evaluating events and reliability.

I've been drawing and sketching again, puting things on paper instead of keeping them inside me. I completed one piece I'm really proud of.

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I was reading a magazine and stumbled across an ad promoting vegetarianism (?) in which the celebrity (can't remember who) featured said the moment he realized he wanted to be a vegetarian came during a fishing trip. He said as he reeled the fish in he watched it fight for its life and at that moment he realized the fish's life was as important to the fish as his own is to him.

I've been meditating on that.

What Goes...

I swear I can hold nothing.

He's afraid to go out in normal public places with me, never knowing who is watching him.

He lives in a very private community and safe community, yet when we're in bed, he flinches when someone turns onto his street until he knows who it is or they go away.

I took him to a family event and he damn near had a panic attack at the sight of every fairly "hood" vehicle (you know, SUV's with oversized rims, candy painted foreign or old school cars) and questioned me about who drove each one.

When we're out and something even looks remotely out of place, I catch him patting his left ribcage or hip, checking for his gun.

My friend told me he can't see me go through heartache again.

I can't see me go through heartache because of a man again. This same friend told me that eventually, "they" always get caught. One way or the other. He believes iin justice and retribution. I can't say I blame him.

But I do wish for us to exist without fear.

I cannot live my life in constant fear. And that's what it is. It's not caution, it's not simply being aware of your surroundings, it is fear, plain and simple.

I may have to let him go and hurt now.

I may have to play pyschic hotline and predict the future, which is hard because what if I'm wrong?

What if I am right?

I might have to cut my losses.

I have to think of my safety.

Its hard.

Because I love him. In love? No. But do I love him? Yes. He's dear to me now. And I don't want to see anything happen to him.

But more than that, I don't want to see anything happen to me.

I might have to let him go.

Despite how I want to hold on.