Prince Charming was never my dream..

A friend of mine recently recounted his version of our history and said one of the reasons I never gave a romantic relationship between us a chance is because I like "abusive niggas".

I've been reflecting on that for the past few days. Yes, it's true I was in an abusive relationship (mentally, physically and emotionally that I've recently decided to write about in detail, including all and excluding none so I can get it out on paper and out of me), but in no way did I rejoice or find pleasure in those feelings. I stayed because I was young and dumb. I stayed because I thought deep love meant deep pain. I stayed because I was scared. I stayed because he was my all and at the time, losing him meant losing my world.

It's true that I've gravitated towards men who are rough around the edges, often with upbringings very different from my own. None of it is purposeful though.

There is this guy, for blog purposes we shall call him Texas.

Texas is very attractive, thoughtful, straightforward, honest (thus far), values family, fashionable, into me (perhaps too much, but that's later...) and seems to be an all around nice guy. For all appearances he's the type of guy I should want to be with. He's the type of man who would handle me gently and probably treasure my heart if he gained it.

So far, there is no mystery to him.

I can't lie and say I'm not attracted to him and when he touches me, as a woman, my body responds. We kiss and I know how to make him feel good. He looks at me and I stare back into his eyes, thinking of only his physical beauty while he's thinking I see his soul.

I asked him today if he's ever been hurt and he said yes. Either he is living like I one day wish to, choosing to bleed with cuts of love rather than living life with no scars ((c) Pink) or he's never known the pain I was speaking of. Cuts so deep they threaten the very fabric of your person. Hurt so severe it makes you wish you weren't yourself so you wouldn't have to be experiencing this.

He's says he's the man for me. I told him he is the type I should go for. He's the type of guy you try to force yourself to want to be with because he's safe. I don't want to allow my past and fear of repeating it to influence me to the point that I confuse safe with love.

I'm stringing him along. I'm wrong. He deserves better from me because he's been nothing but good to me.

There is no passion in my kisses. There is no longing in my touch. There is no ache in my body when he doesn't touch me. His voice doesn't do anything special for me. I don't look into his eyes and try to see his heart. I don't cherish the words he speaks. I don't wake up wondering what he's doing.

But there is someone for whom all of the aforementioned things are present.

He may not be the one I should fall for, but he's the one I am falling for.

He's the one I suspend my sanity for. He makes things stop and start again. He shifts my insides with glances and smiles.

I always said I fall for the ones I should run from. I hope this isn't a case of that but the cycle is serious and my record is like 1-3 right now.

Texas is a safe bet.

But if I'm loving, I wanna win big and to win big, you gotta play the odds and go with your gut.














(I'm a fool for that analogy. Lol)