An Open Heart

So I picked up the latest copy of Vogue with Sarah Jessica Parker on the front because 1) I love Vogue and 2) I LOVETH Sex and the City and am anxiously awaiting the movie. In the article, Chris Noth (who plays Big) said he didn't understand why his character is always blamed because "he was always there".

Reflecting on that quote, I started realizing that there are a lot of parallels between the man I am finding myself falling in love with and the fictional character Big.

After watching one of my fav SATC episodes tonight, "The Domino Effect", (the one where Big had to have the "heart thing") I realized, once again, that the problem between Carrie and Big was always his emotional unavailability. It was never that he didn't care for her. It was just that his emotions towards her weren't always made perfectly clear or available for her to depend on when she needed him.

But even out of character, just speaking as a man, Chris Noth relayed that he didnt understand why Big was pinpointed as the problem. I can't look from a man's point of view, but it seems like men often confuse physical presence with emotional availibility. Women know it's possible to be in the same room with someone, maybe sitting right next to them, and feel as though they are are on the other side of the world.

I've never been so intrigued with a man. Perhaps because I've never had a man be so mysterious with me.

I feel like part of his secrecy is in an attempt to protect me. But I also feel that a part of it may be plain old concealment.

He tells me he cares about me. He's usually there when I need him. We're coming out of a a storm and although he doesnt know exactly what's going on, he knows I'm not fully me and he's been there for me with no pressure. He's concerned with my well being, attentive and he takes care of me.

There is a connection between us. That I cannot deny. When I

I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he holds me. I love the way he touches me. He makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable wherever we are together. He's not afraid to apologize and not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. He's strong. He's a thinker. He realizes that we are in each other's lives for some reason, although it may not be completely clear now.

I feel like he should know he has me. Yet, I've never had a man be so afraid to kiss me fully. I've never had a man more hesitant to tell me when he needs something from me. I've never had a man hold me so tightly and back away so abruptly.

He's told me before he's afraid to get close to me. Maybe it's that he's afraid for me to get close to him. I can't wait around years like Carrie did. I can't pour love out hoping he can recieve it. I've done that before and it took the energy out of me. I'm trying to show him it's ok to show me his heart.

We both have secrets and I'm wondering if love can exist without complete truth.

I'm pretty sure it can't.

I have to talk to him...