I tried to expound on haiku number 5 in my previous entry just a second ago.
I got as far as
"You could have been art
You could have been abstract lines and beautiful shapes
A perfect blend..."
before tears took over and my hands literally started shaking. This is not the person I know myself to be. But maybe I am not me anymore. I know I am not the same. Time and events have changed me. I'm actively trying to return, to learn, grow and not exist in my confusion, in this sadness that I cannot completely shed.
I acted selfishly.
I didn't meditate/pray like I should have.
I cried more than I logically thought.
I did what I thought was best for me.
I'm not sure I chose right.
I'm not sure I chose wrong either.
I'm more conflicted than I've ever been before.
I have to live with this.
Sleep still isn't easy. This past sunday was difficult. I have no one to blame. I'm dealing...
Only I have to live with me.
1 comment:
my thoughts: Let your self "be". I hate to sound all philosophical but often we fight the act of being itself. We attempt to hide and block out our humaness. We don't want to feel anyway...One of my favortite quotes by Kahlil Gibran:
"But if you only seak love's joy and love's pleasure then cast yourself from love's threshing floor into the seasonless world where you will laugh but not all your laughter and you will cry but not all your tears" (VERY loose quotation that is probably off)
We can't fight the fact that experiences, triumphs, and life altering mistakes change us...some change us for better and some for worse. But don't fight the state of being. whether you are being remorseful, being happy and content or merely being...
Now do you stay that way? hell no. But we won't grow if we dont allow ourselves to honest about the state of how we are. God's strength come in our weakness and ability to admit we are weak. Thats when He's strong cuz we need Him.
So don't try to retract but go forward...you are not who you used to be and you are not the woman you will become. But your pressing forward. Its not in the falling down but in the getting up...and it might get worse before it gets better but the key is in moving forward. Stop, break down,give yourself time to cry, give yourself time to mourn and then pick up and keep moving. Its all apart of the journey...Love you
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