Each Day Gets Better

I went through my Ipod today looking at only song titles and made a playlist based on those that caught my attention.

The one that got me out of the bed and onto writing was "Each Day Gets Better."

I can't say for sure that I believe that. But I really hope it's true. Because right now, I'm struggling each day to get out of bed. I'm fighting to remember the person I used to be and hoping I can come out the other side better. I'm understanding why some might be driven to take their own life. Be so angry at yourself, so upset with your decisions, time has a way of crippling even the strongest. Reminding you that you really cannot take things back or do things differently. Forces you to deal with today. And my todays are hard.

I've never been the best at dealing with my feelings. Suppression has long been a friend of mine. When others are around, a facade is a must. Work takes my mind off me. I operate in autopilot, pleasant greetings and smiles. But I now hate to be alone. Because my mind won't stop. Alone, I have no one to hide my tears from and they overtake me. I feel like I cannot control my own emotions. Alone, I am confronted with me. Alone, I have to question myself and all my hypocrisy.

I thought others could help me through this. But this is not their problem and the one who shares it with me doesn't even know. That leaves me to cope with me. I can't even find it within myself to say what I'm feeling because I don't know. Because I don't deserve sympathy or understanding. My friends may offer, but I don't deserve it.

It's hard to explain why all the things I thought I was, I may not be at all.

But I'm hoping for peace.

And searching for the strength to pray.