Gravity

After viewing Sex and the City: The Movie, tonight I realized that there is a word I have not been allowing operation or application of in my life.

It stops me from moving forward in a lot of things.

Its kept me questioning myself. Wondering if I am a terrible, selfish being.

Its kept me from loving fully, consistently punishing people for others mistakes.

Its kept people in my life at a standstill, not knowing where they stand in my life, in my heart.

its kept me from praying and fostering a relationship with a Higher Power. Partially because it's hard for me to fathom anyone or anything doing so freely what I struggle tremendously with doing.

Its a major part of life that I've been missing out on.

Forgiveness.

I have consistently done what is human, made mistakes. Time and time again. But where others are able to move on, I have wallowed in self depreciation and hatred. I have spent time harming myself, physically and mentally because I've believed in punishment moreso than I have healing.

I've pushed people who only wanted to be closer to me away because I've refused to let go of hurts from others. I've refused to move past wounds that should have long been healed because I've kept revisiting them. Rehashing memories in my mind, telling myself that no one can be trusted because some cannot.

I've hurt those who've deeply hurt me, causing them to believe I hate them, when really I hate what they did to me. I've left them in eternal limbo, with them knowing that forgiveness exist but not realizing that in my world is has not.

I've lacked understanding of a Savior who forgives all if only repentance is shown because I've refused to pardon those who've sincerely apologized to me.

I've neglected to live fully and freely because I've been bound by resentment.

Realization is just Step 1.

I've decided to shake free of the gravity of resentment and fly high on the wings of forgiveness. (~India Arie)

An Open Heart

So I picked up the latest copy of Vogue with Sarah Jessica Parker on the front because 1) I love Vogue and 2) I LOVETH Sex and the City and am anxiously awaiting the movie. In the article, Chris Noth (who plays Big) said he didn't understand why his character is always blamed because "he was always there".

Reflecting on that quote, I started realizing that there are a lot of parallels between the man I am finding myself falling in love with and the fictional character Big.

After watching one of my fav SATC episodes tonight, "The Domino Effect", (the one where Big had to have the "heart thing") I realized, once again, that the problem between Carrie and Big was always his emotional unavailability. It was never that he didn't care for her. It was just that his emotions towards her weren't always made perfectly clear or available for her to depend on when she needed him.

But even out of character, just speaking as a man, Chris Noth relayed that he didnt understand why Big was pinpointed as the problem. I can't look from a man's point of view, but it seems like men often confuse physical presence with emotional availibility. Women know it's possible to be in the same room with someone, maybe sitting right next to them, and feel as though they are are on the other side of the world.

I've never been so intrigued with a man. Perhaps because I've never had a man be so mysterious with me.

I feel like part of his secrecy is in an attempt to protect me. But I also feel that a part of it may be plain old concealment.

He tells me he cares about me. He's usually there when I need him. We're coming out of a a storm and although he doesnt know exactly what's going on, he knows I'm not fully me and he's been there for me with no pressure. He's concerned with my well being, attentive and he takes care of me.

There is a connection between us. That I cannot deny. When I

I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he holds me. I love the way he touches me. He makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable wherever we are together. He's not afraid to apologize and not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. He's strong. He's a thinker. He realizes that we are in each other's lives for some reason, although it may not be completely clear now.

I feel like he should know he has me. Yet, I've never had a man be so afraid to kiss me fully. I've never had a man more hesitant to tell me when he needs something from me. I've never had a man hold me so tightly and back away so abruptly.

He's told me before he's afraid to get close to me. Maybe it's that he's afraid for me to get close to him. I can't wait around years like Carrie did. I can't pour love out hoping he can recieve it. I've done that before and it took the energy out of me. I'm trying to show him it's ok to show me his heart.

We both have secrets and I'm wondering if love can exist without complete truth.

I'm pretty sure it can't.

I have to talk to him...

Prince Charming was never my dream..

A friend of mine recently recounted his version of our history and said one of the reasons I never gave a romantic relationship between us a chance is because I like "abusive niggas".

I've been reflecting on that for the past few days. Yes, it's true I was in an abusive relationship (mentally, physically and emotionally that I've recently decided to write about in detail, including all and excluding none so I can get it out on paper and out of me), but in no way did I rejoice or find pleasure in those feelings. I stayed because I was young and dumb. I stayed because I thought deep love meant deep pain. I stayed because I was scared. I stayed because he was my all and at the time, losing him meant losing my world.

It's true that I've gravitated towards men who are rough around the edges, often with upbringings very different from my own. None of it is purposeful though.

There is this guy, for blog purposes we shall call him Texas.

Texas is very attractive, thoughtful, straightforward, honest (thus far), values family, fashionable, into me (perhaps too much, but that's later...) and seems to be an all around nice guy. For all appearances he's the type of guy I should want to be with. He's the type of man who would handle me gently and probably treasure my heart if he gained it.

So far, there is no mystery to him.

I can't lie and say I'm not attracted to him and when he touches me, as a woman, my body responds. We kiss and I know how to make him feel good. He looks at me and I stare back into his eyes, thinking of only his physical beauty while he's thinking I see his soul.

I asked him today if he's ever been hurt and he said yes. Either he is living like I one day wish to, choosing to bleed with cuts of love rather than living life with no scars ((c) Pink) or he's never known the pain I was speaking of. Cuts so deep they threaten the very fabric of your person. Hurt so severe it makes you wish you weren't yourself so you wouldn't have to be experiencing this.

He's says he's the man for me. I told him he is the type I should go for. He's the type of guy you try to force yourself to want to be with because he's safe. I don't want to allow my past and fear of repeating it to influence me to the point that I confuse safe with love.

I'm stringing him along. I'm wrong. He deserves better from me because he's been nothing but good to me.

There is no passion in my kisses. There is no longing in my touch. There is no ache in my body when he doesn't touch me. His voice doesn't do anything special for me. I don't look into his eyes and try to see his heart. I don't cherish the words he speaks. I don't wake up wondering what he's doing.

But there is someone for whom all of the aforementioned things are present.

He may not be the one I should fall for, but he's the one I am falling for.

He's the one I suspend my sanity for. He makes things stop and start again. He shifts my insides with glances and smiles.

I always said I fall for the ones I should run from. I hope this isn't a case of that but the cycle is serious and my record is like 1-3 right now.

Texas is a safe bet.

But if I'm loving, I wanna win big and to win big, you gotta play the odds and go with your gut.














(I'm a fool for that analogy. Lol)

"I'm a mess" - anthony hamilton

I'm an emotional wreck.

I can't control my emotions like I used to.

Yesterday we were both really frustrated.

I choose not to assume anything and he thinks he's given me cause to assume everything.

He took my consideration for his fatigue as me not wanting to see him. He took his misunderstanding out on me.

I did 25 over the speed limit on the way home, got in the bed and noticed my hands were shaking. I was literally trembling, shook emotionally.

I had to turn my phone off to resist answering when he called because I knew the sound of his voice had/has the power to dramatically shift my mood and yesterday I wasn't positive it would have been for the better.

The situation was in no way as serious as my reaction. I believe suppression is catching up with me fiercely.

I can admit that I care for him. And there are things I appreciate about him.

I never thought he would be who he is to me.

I'm trying to figure out what that is exactly.

I could love him.

I

I tried to expound on haiku number 5 in my previous entry just a second ago.

I got as far as

"You could have been art
You could have been abstract lines and beautiful shapes
A perfect blend..."

before tears took over and my hands literally started shaking. This is not the person I know myself to be. But maybe I am not me anymore. I know I am not the same. Time and events have changed me. I'm actively trying to return, to learn, grow and not exist in my confusion, in this sadness that I cannot completely shed.

I acted selfishly.

I didn't meditate/pray like I should have.

I cried more than I logically thought.

I did what I thought was best for me.

I'm not sure I chose right.

I'm not sure I chose wrong either.

I'm more conflicted than I've ever been before.

I have to live with this.

Sleep still isn't easy. This past sunday was difficult. I have no one to blame. I'm dealing...

Only I have to live with me.

A series of randomly thought up haikus...

# 1
It's hard to appear
broken, weak in your presence
When you are perfect

#2
The mistake was mine
Alone I cried but still I
Refused surrender

(The mistake is mine
Alone I cry but still I
Refuse surrender)
#3
Prayers for forgiveness
Are like tattletales on self
I have never snitched

#4
In the beginning
"I" did not know "we" or "us"
So just me felt right

#5
I play Picasso
Painting your face in my mind
You could have been art

Lay Your Burdens Down

This will be short because I'm typing on my Sidekick and I cannot stand it for too long.

I'm starting to realize that there are steps to healing.

More and more I'm realizing that I have to allow myself to feel before I can heal. That means I may have to cry. I may have to appear weak, I may have to breakdown a bit to build myself stronger. Before I can lay my burdens down, I have to pick them up. To some that may not make sense, but in order to fight for your freedom, you must first realize you are enslaved. ([Sic] "I could have freed many more, if only I had be able to convince more slaves that they were slaves." - Harriet Tubman)

There is no future in regret. I've come to the conclusion but it doesn't stop me from feeling it....I feel, now more than ever, the need to do something. I have to succeed in order to justify. I have to succeed, now more than ever.

I used to joke and say that regret is a wasted emotion, although I think I halfway believed it.

I'm realizing regret and remorse are two different (yet related) emotions. And I've experienced them both to great depths recently.

I've realized that it's when you deal with something that tests the fabric of your being, that takes you completely out of your element, that maybe makes you hard to deal with, that may make you no longer fun to be around, that you realize who you can really depend on. Who is genuinely concerned for your well-being (mentally & physically) and not just entertained by you when everything is kosher. More on that later...

I just skimmed thru this and noticed a lot of 3rd person, wondering what that means....I must be tired, I'm analyzing my own nighttime online ramblings.

Til next time,

Today is not the day

My last entry was about hoping that each day gets better.

Apparently today is not the day for change.

I didn't think karma worked so fast and maybe this has nothing to do with that, but everything is falling at once. I'm so frustrated...

My thoughts aren't even coherent enough to write about but here goes:

I want to go back to being happy.

I want men to leave me alone. Men that I don't want, those that I do. I just need a timeout from them all. They cloud my thoughts.

I need him to understand that I need him more now than ever before.

I want to be sure my feelings are my feelings and not some hormonal mixup or circumstantial developed bond. I can't say for sure I know how to go about determining that.

I'm realizing more and more that the world just does not care. Like, people really do not care about anyone.

I've been trying to escape for the past few months. Various methods, all with the same result - a short trip away followed by a long ride home to a place called reality. I cannot run from life. I have to allow it to happen to me and deal the best way I know how.

He's a good man for somebody, just not me. He's a beautiful distraction, but I can't devote him my true attention.

It's 3 pm and I have no clue if I'm leaving the bed today. It's one of those days.

Each Day Gets Better

I went through my Ipod today looking at only song titles and made a playlist based on those that caught my attention.

The one that got me out of the bed and onto writing was "Each Day Gets Better."

I can't say for sure that I believe that. But I really hope it's true. Because right now, I'm struggling each day to get out of bed. I'm fighting to remember the person I used to be and hoping I can come out the other side better. I'm understanding why some might be driven to take their own life. Be so angry at yourself, so upset with your decisions, time has a way of crippling even the strongest. Reminding you that you really cannot take things back or do things differently. Forces you to deal with today. And my todays are hard.

I've never been the best at dealing with my feelings. Suppression has long been a friend of mine. When others are around, a facade is a must. Work takes my mind off me. I operate in autopilot, pleasant greetings and smiles. But I now hate to be alone. Because my mind won't stop. Alone, I have no one to hide my tears from and they overtake me. I feel like I cannot control my own emotions. Alone, I am confronted with me. Alone, I have to question myself and all my hypocrisy.

I thought others could help me through this. But this is not their problem and the one who shares it with me doesn't even know. That leaves me to cope with me. I can't even find it within myself to say what I'm feeling because I don't know. Because I don't deserve sympathy or understanding. My friends may offer, but I don't deserve it.

It's hard to explain why all the things I thought I was, I may not be at all.

But I'm hoping for peace.

And searching for the strength to pray.